9

September 9, 2008

I hear a click, like a gun, behind me.

“FREEZE!”

My hands fly in the air, unlike that terrible commercial where that super annoying girl gives five reasons why you should wear deoderant, and more like someone who is super terrified. My life flashed before my eyes. Age nine, so scared I pee my pants. Age thirteen, watching the girls in the locker room slather on disgusting white chunks under their arms. Come to think of it, I have never wore deoderant. Anyways, back to the problem at hand.

“Can I turn around?”

“Slowly.”

God. This is like a bad porno. Shit.

As I turn around, I realize that the kitchen TV was left on. And there was a bad porno playing! Wonderful. But wait.. what is that. A full on meat packing freezer. Maybe this will be like the Goonies! There will be more ice cream less dead person, of course. I hop skip and jump in that direction.

Shit. There is a lock. Luckily, after a few good wobbles and tugs, the lock gives way…

8

September 9, 2008

is a lucky Chinese number.

                   – Gore-othy Doom-ung

7

September 8, 2008

Is a Holy number.

6

September 8, 2008

Six is the devil’s number.

5

September 8, 2008

It’s difficult to walk with creaky knees. I am not old, but I am getting there. It’s difficult to see without my handy dandy trusty magnify lamp, but for these situations, I carry a pocket version. I will never be able to escape?!!

4

September 4, 2008

I returned home into the arms of my portly communist aunt. Her name is Gore-athy Doom-ung. We shipped her in a package shaped like one big egg, or a chinese urn, depending on how your sense of humor rolls. She wear her hair in two pigtailed half pony-tails. Much like the fashions on Sailor Moon. She is very hip. She comforted me and fed me bread and jam, telling me that my lost goodies were probably due to the disgusting neighborhood children. She used to live in a neighborhood with horrible children that sold her out to the mafia after she had been offering a shelter to the battered and beer battered fish sticks that did not please this mafia. She was sentences to the loony bin and developed a reputation of being the looniest one there, and an expert toilet wine-smith. However, as long as she was there she liveed in constant fear. Since she came to America she has discovered a more vast culinary world, and has shed her emotional baggage for a hefty and volumptious one hundred fifty eight pounds.

Anyways, we had comforted me and told me that there is nothing to worry about. We would catch those, now fattened kiddens, and slice them up into chae saui to eat for dim sung breakfast. She is my hero.

So I thought of her bravery as she fled the model mafia (lead by Anne Hathaway) and tried my hardest to channel her powers as I crept through this house. These neighbors were a very clean sort. There was no dust to be found, nothing misplaced, no boogers on the floor.

“She will never be able to escape” is sprawled across the giant family crest that adorns the kitchen.

3

September 4, 2008

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock.