9

September 9, 2008

I hear a click, like a gun, behind me.

“FREEZE!”

My hands fly in the air, unlike that terrible commercial where that super annoying girl gives five reasons why you should wear deoderant, and more like someone who is super terrified. My life flashed before my eyes. Age nine, so scared I pee my pants. Age thirteen, watching the girls in the locker room slather on disgusting white chunks under their arms. Come to think of it, I have never wore deoderant. Anyways, back to the problem at hand.

“Can I turn around?”

“Slowly.”

God. This is like a bad porno. Shit.

As I turn around, I realize that the kitchen TV was left on. And there was a bad porno playing! Wonderful. But wait.. what is that. A full on meat packing freezer. Maybe this will be like the Goonies! There will be more ice cream less dead person, of course. I hop skip and jump in that direction.

Shit. There is a lock. Luckily, after a few good wobbles and tugs, the lock gives way…

8

September 9, 2008

is a lucky Chinese number.

                   – Gore-othy Doom-ung

7

September 8, 2008

Is a Holy number.

6

September 8, 2008

Six is the devil’s number.

5

September 8, 2008

It’s difficult to walk with creaky knees. I am not old, but I am getting there. It’s difficult to see without my handy dandy trusty magnify lamp, but for these situations, I carry a pocket version. I will never be able to escape?!!

4

September 4, 2008

I returned home into the arms of my portly communist aunt. Her name is Gore-athy Doom-ung. We shipped her in a package shaped like one big egg, or a chinese urn, depending on how your sense of humor rolls. She wear her hair in two pigtailed half pony-tails. Much like the fashions on Sailor Moon. She is very hip. She comforted me and fed me bread and jam, telling me that my lost goodies were probably due to the disgusting neighborhood children. She used to live in a neighborhood with horrible children that sold her out to the mafia after she had been offering a shelter to the battered and beer battered fish sticks that did not please this mafia. She was sentences to the loony bin and developed a reputation of being the looniest one there, and an expert toilet wine-smith. However, as long as she was there she liveed in constant fear. Since she came to America she has discovered a more vast culinary world, and has shed her emotional baggage for a hefty and volumptious one hundred fifty eight pounds.

Anyways, we had comforted me and told me that there is nothing to worry about. We would catch those, now fattened kiddens, and slice them up into chae saui to eat for dim sung breakfast. She is my hero.

So I thought of her bravery as she fled the model mafia (lead by Anne Hathaway) and tried my hardest to channel her powers as I crept through this house. These neighbors were a very clean sort. There was no dust to be found, nothing misplaced, no boogers on the floor.

“She will never be able to escape” is sprawled across the giant family crest that adorns the kitchen.

3

September 4, 2008

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock.

2

September 2, 2008

I jumped around quickly. “WHO’S THERE?!”

The front door had slammed shut! Could the owners be back? Would they be angry? Maybe I could tell them I saw a burgler and came to chase them away. Okay. That’s the best story. I called out again “COME OUT THEIF!” with such a superior air that I had to silently mouth “Good Job” to myself and made a mental note to use the word “theif” again. But there was no answer.

Must have been the wind and God telling me that there was no turning back. After all, the strange occurances in our neighborhood started when these new neighbors moved in the dark of the night!

It was still warm, so it had to be in August. I was busy that day, sharing my skills at the local park. When I returned, I saw that the vacant house down the street had been filled. Something was different though. I tilted my head to the left, and noticed only then did the house look straight. That’s odd. Maybe all the turning and flipping had gone to my head. It’s difficult to keep a straight face when you were once a runner up in the Miss Teen Fabulous contest with the talent of spinning in circles faster and longer than anyone could hold their breathes. Really.

Anyways, I walked my dizzy self home and promptly set to making a pie so I could give my new neighbors a proper welcoming. A few hours later, I lugged the basket I wove, in the spare time as pies were baking and my butter was settling before I churned more, in my little red wagon to the front steps of this cozy looking structure.

Right before I could bring my fist to the worn-to-softness wood, I heard yelling that made it clear there was an argument, and it was no time to make new friends. I didn’t want their first memory of me to be a moment when and where they had to shroud their true selves. So I started to walk away. Noticing a pretty flower, I stopped to smell it, and began to walk again with a noticibly lighter wagon!

1

September 2, 2008

“Hello!? Is anyone home?”

I walked into the cottage before anyone could respond. Quickly slamming the door as a warning to the current residents, I called out again. “This is the police! I have a warrant!” My terrible excuses for just being nosy were an embarressment, but no one ever challenged me. Glancing around the room, I saw several framed photographs. One was Amelia Bedelia, another was Junie B. Jones, and the last one was of someone I could not recognize. Although my mind could not put it’s finger on who this was, they looked familiar. Didn’t matter, I always had my fingers in too many pies.

It’s hard not too when you are known as the neighborhood’s greatest snoop. My tactic was usually to invite myself into the newest neighbors home with my arm laden down with bread. Except this new neighbor was less than pleased to see me. Pffftt. Diabetic.

The room was completely empty, save for these photographs of very real looking people. They were so real looking, but they couldn’t be. These people had to be loony. Oh well. The hardwood floor creaked as I walked to door, slightly to the left…

 

BAM!

Hello world!

September 2, 2008

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